Saturday, February 2, 2008

Welcome to the New Reality Show - "Pimp Your Wife"!

So sorry folks…I became distracted earlier this week while observing the suckers…I…I…mean loyal Detroiters braving mid-zero degree temperatures last Wednesday in downtown Detroit in support of da’ Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. I swore I even saw someone bring a lamb for sacrificial offering! Okay, I maybe joking (a little bit) but it was quite a sight to see.

But, as the Detroit News reported today...

Editorial Quick Hits: Ours

Kilpatrick continues to behave badly
The Detroit News


Sorry is as sorry does. Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gave what seemed to be a heart-felt apology Wednesday night for allowing his personal behavior to embarrass his family and city. Apologies carry more weight when they're followed by a change of action. Since speaking to the city, Kilpatrick has stood by while City Hall security guards manhandled a WDIV-Channel 4 reporter. Just before the speech, the mayor shoved a WXYZ-TV Channel 7 reporter in the chest and smacked a female Detroit Free Press photographer in the face. The physical assaults invite more costly legal trouble for both the mayor and the city -- as does the move to limit public access to the publicly owned Coleman A. Young municipal building. The day after the mayor's televised apology, an edict was newly enforced to restrict the movements of reporters at City Hall. If continued, this, too, will bring the city unnecessary lawsuits; although by Friday security officials were loosening the restrictions. Kilpatrick seems to be a lot better at saying he's sorry than he is at changing the behavior that makes the apologies necessary. Perhaps that's because he's had a lot more practice at the former than he has the latter.

Oops…..Didn’t wait too long to settle right back in the saddle huh?

And Christine Beatty resigning? I loved this comment from Kwame himself….

"She was an asset to our office," the mayor said.
"She's going to be missed it was obvious for her to make the decisions (to resign)."


Or should he have just said, “She was a good piece of ass in the office. She had to quit now because my wife was going to give me a serious beat down if she didn’t!”

Speaking of which, my friends who watched the speech tell me that Kwame eye looked “dotted”… (In urban terms that means that someone – namely his wife struck – or shall I say “accosted” him. If you saw the same let me know – I couldn’t tell.)

Now quickly to the incomparable Christine Beatty….Boy, if Kwame didn’t make her look like a ho then she devised a new definition. So she resigns and disappears. He says I’m sorry, replaces her in less than 24 hours with his boy and tosses her off with his comments like a used condom.

You think she was screwing herself! Man, talk about sexism. Any CEO who has the hint of getting it on with a subordinate – and heaven knows they better not be married – is automatically terminated in the real world but not in “day-twah!”….

So what do I make of the “speech” Wednesday. Well, if the title above doesn’t tell you then I can’t make it plainer. Under no, and I mean NO circumstances would I let my wife get on camera to say anything. Hell, he didn’t even apologize to her first – his sons got the “daddy’s been a bad boy” lecture. I did immediately consider that one of Kwames marketers “probably” suggested she speak but everyone knows that they stole the idea from the Clinton Lewinski episode when both Bill and Hillary did their spiel. And having it in church when it wasn’t necessary was also slick. Kwame knows one thing about Detroiters – they have a lot of churches. The sins committed in the city far outweigh the number of churches thus making these temples a place of frequent redemption. It’s considered a place of mercy – but first you have to repent to be forgiven. The fact that he chose this location is to compel citizens to have sympathy. But of course this is under the assumption that he is entirely remorseful and those of us in the know do know that he’s only sorry for being caught – after all, him and his lawyers spent a good five years trying to hide those messages.

A masterful selection of a location indeed. The citizens bought it and he expected they would.

(I bet Team Kilpatrick is probably REALLY hating me right now – huh? Talking about exposure…..)

But this was entirely their intent as they want you to subliminally compare this event to the Clintons suggesting that it’s a personal matter and how dare we invade upon their private lives! What an outrage! So before I get into the “apology” let’s make a quick comparison of this incident to Clintons. What I’ve found over the last week is that either folks forgot the tenets of the Clinton episode or are in desperate need to read the paper or turn on the History Channel.

The biggest difference in the tribulations is Bill lied to cover us his mess and embarrassment of getting a blow job in the White House. He didn’t conspire to ruin any lives, he didn’t cost the taxpayers an inordinate amount of money (supporters footed his legal fees on the perjury charge) and nobody died. Folks also try to make the idiotic comparison that since nothing happened to Clinton the resolution should be the same for Kwame. Notwithstanding that it’s terribly difficult to impeach and remove a sitting president – sorry folks – Kwame may have descended from the heavens to preside over you but he’s easier to remove from office than the President. What’s significant in the Kwame tribulations is that he is involved in a conspiracy to cover up and hide evidence. If people want to compare him with a President they should read a little bio on Richard Nixon who did instigate a conspiracy and was ultimately removed from office. See how foggy memories get….?


Culpability Copulation and Conspiracy

So let’s break down this apology why don’t we? But I’m going to do something different. In previous blogs I discussed the Kwame manifesto and how he with great success brainwashes people – Black folks in particular with his orator means. Below is his speech word by word and in italics is what he really meant – at least in my opinion:

KWAME KILPATRICK: Good evening, Detroit. I want to start tonight by saying to the citizens of this great city, I'm sorry.

To all of you who have believed in what we've been doing here since 2002, to all of you who have believed in me, in my leadership, to all of you who have stuck with me through very difficult times, to all of you who prayed for me: I'm sorry.

The 2002 reference is a slick way of saying, “I been your Mayor for this damn long and this is the first BIG screwup! All those other instances with the party, run up of city credit cards, use of the Navigator and otherwise stealing your money is just part of the rigors of being yo’ massa. Don’t include those…”

For the embarrassment and the disappointment the events of the past few days have caused you, for what you as my supporters, many of you, have had to hear as you traveled around our city to beauty shops and barbershops, what you had to hear when you were in church this past Sunday from people who know that you have supported me.

Specifically identifying the locations in which you may have heard this story is implying that you should really be sick of it and shame to those who continue to disparage the good Kilpatrick name around the city. If they don’t like me they don’t like you either because I’m one of you. The wicked media and white folks who besmirch my…..I mean “our” credibility be gone!

For those of you who have not always been Kwame Kilpatrick supporters, but who lift up our city, who live in our city, who support this town in various ways, I truly apologize to each and every one of you individually and to the whole city.

This one is to all those folks who haven’t drank the Kwame Kool-Aid yet….

Most of all tonight, I want to make a public apology to my entire family, and specifically to the four people who I love the most in this world.
First, I want to apologize to my sons, Jelani, Jalil and Jonas. For the first time in my life, I had to have a conversation with my 12-year-old twin sons about very grown-up things. It was, without a doubt, the hardest conversation that I've ever had in my entire life.
Finally, and most importantly, I want to make a public apology to my wife, Carlita, who I fell in love with when I was 19 years old. We decided to build a family together, and we did that.

Cmon folks…have some sympathy! I’m about to get gushy gushy now….

Our marriage has not been perfect, but it has been great. Now, I put her in a situation which many couples deal with in the privacy of their own homes, but in our case, it's on the front page of the newspaper. This dynamic, strong, caring woman has been forced to go through this very difficult experience because of me. I truly apologize to you.

If you didn’t see the video – Kwame was trying to force tears but they didn’t quite come out. Perhaps if Carlita gripped that hand just a little bit tighter it would have happened. Don’t cha’ love live television?

As many of you know, I'm not the type of person who displays my emotions in public, but I have to tell you I've felt more emotion in the last week than I have in the past 20 years. I've been truly hurting. I've been hurting because I know that many of you are hurting. And most of all, I've been hurting because I know my family is hurting. And I'm responsible for that.

Well actually I’m mad at my attorneys because after delaying that damn Gary Brown trial until after the election so I could at least have a chance of winning, after sending my Attorneys down to the Skytel offices to have them “lose” the subpoena that was to grant the Judge permission to read those text messages during trial after still making them disappear during the trial when our request was denied and being assured of such giving me and my baby --- I mean Christine Beatty the opportunity to concoct a story on the stand and whew! Wait a minute, I’m out of breath….

(pause)

And after all that - securing a secret deal with the Plaintiffs to keep those messages “hidden” – yall’ didn’t really think I would have settled if I didn’t get my way right? – somebody busted on me and those damn text STILL GOT OUT!!!!

Well, I guess busted IS what you see! That I’m sorry for…

(pause)

Now who gave the press the mother&^&*^*^* messages!!!!! (background laughter off stage)

Oh! Back to my apology….. Is this still live? (more laughter)

Over the past few days, there's been some speculation about who is in charge of the city. Make no mistake about it, since 2002, I have been in charge of the city.

(editors note: Did he mean in charge or using the charge card? Just asking. We shall continue..)

There have been ups and downs, there have been hills and mountains and valleys, but through it all, I remained in charge of the city. I believe we built a team here that understands the mission and focus and commitment that we must have to serve our citizens. We've done some amazing things, but we have a lot of work left to do.

Okay Negroes…I’m done apologizing now cue up the Kwame for Mayor in 2009 speech….

Over the past few days, there has also been a lot of speculation about me resigning from office. Let me be clear tonight: I would never quit on you. Ever. We've got a lot of work to do, and with your help, I'm going to continue to lead this city in getting the work done. I am truly blessed and grateful that my wife is beside me tonight, and she has some personal remarks of her own to make.

I used the word “Ever” to imply emphasis. If I won’t quit on you how could you ever quit on me?? After all, I am your savior Prince Kwame….

CARLITA KILPATRICK:

(editors note: Carlita speaks! Wasn’t expecting that curve ball! As Fred Sanford used to say, “Great day in the morning!”….)

It is very difficult for me to talk to you at this moment, but I want to let you know what is on my heart tonight.
Like all marriages, ours is not perfect. Like all people, we are not perfect, but through our commitment to God and each other, my husband and I will get through this. Yes, I am angry, I am hurt and I am disappointed. But there is no question that I love my husband. With the help of our pastor and others, we have been having very difficult, very frank discussions to work through some very painful issues.
Most couples who work through problems in their marriage are able to do so privately. Unfortunately, that option is not available to us. Our family has endured the most painful and intrusive week of our lives. Our most intimate issues have been laid out for all to see, for all to comment on, for all to dissect and analyze. However, this private matter is between me, my husband and God. We are deeply committed to working through these issues together as a family. As his wife, I know how committed my husband is to the City of Detroit. I am asking the citizens of this city to be committed to him, and our family, and to the continued growth of our city.
Allow our family the space and the privacy that is essential to anyone when they work through these very personal issues. Lastly, I would like to thank each and every one of you for all of your prayers and your uplifting words. Thank you.

Now listen, it’s not my husbands fault. It’s yalls fault being in our bid-ness. I know about Christine and I kicked his ass for it. Now that rendezvous he had with that other women on MLK weekend through me for a curve ball but I’m gonna handle that. Let’s just say that he’s going to get his asskickings concurrently for all the broads he’s slept with!

(Editors Note: I have to pause because that line was pretty good – I have to laugh at myself. (hear sound of me patting myself on the back)…Now we resume)

KWAME KILPATRICK: This has been a very difficult time for my wife and my family. I would ask, from this point forward, that if you have to attack someone, attack me. I would ask that you don't follow my wife, you don't film my kids going to school. I ask you not to have helicopters flying around our home. I ask that you leave them alone. I am the mayor. I made the mistake. I am accountable.

In other words when I want to be all eyez on me (Tupac reference..didn't know the editor had that flava’ huh) then I want yall to be in my shadow. Otherwise leave me the hell alone when I done wrong. Causes too many issues.

Because there are legal matters pending at this moment, unfortunately, I am unable to discuss any of those issues at this time. But I do have some personal words I want to share with you tonight:

I might be going to jail but can’t talk about that right now. I’m still trying to buy off Kim Worthy and the council members including the clergy. Stay tuned.

Over the past week, our marriage has been opened up for public view. This has been a situation where, yes, it's been embarrassing, yes, it's been painful, but through all of that, through the grace of God, we've also had a feeling of thankfulness and freedom. We have committed to moving forward together, to make our marriage better and stronger.
Last week was the first weekend since I took office in January 2002 that I just put everything aside and focused only on my family. I know people have been wanting to hear from me, but I needed to do that first. I want to thank the people of Detroit for their patience in allowing us to have that time. We as a family needed to do that. I told my sons this past weekend that when you make a mistake, you learn from it, you get up, you dust yourself off and you keep moving forward.

For the first time I sacrificed being out in the streets or in the “warm” confines of Ms. Beatty to stay home with da’ family. A lot of it was due to an edict from the wife but I still stayed home. So there!

Detroit, I am determined that we will keep moving forward. I am determined to continue the tremendous progress we are making in this city, in the worst economic conditions since the Great Depression.
Detroit, together we have managed to do great things. We have paved more streets than ever, we have built more new houses than ever. We have balanced our budget and wiped out a $300-million deficit.
We have developed 75 buildings downtown, large and small, we have built seven new hotels, we have built three new rec centers in neighborhoods that have not seen rec centers in 20 years. We are building out our riverfront, and we are not stopping now.
Detroit, please continue to pray for our family, for our city and for our continued progress. God bless you, Detroit. I love you, and I'll see you at work tomorrow.

And that was my election speech – Kwame for 09!!! I had to get it in. I’m just your brotha’ from another motha’. Peace Out!!!


Okay, so the editor is now tired as hell and will see you next week with another episode of Kwame Exposed!!!!!


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Excellent!

Anonymous said...

Hi Nice Blog.If you are unable to stick to your intensions then really appreciate your self for being true to your self. On the other hand, if you really determined to quit, then think whether it’s the right time to dare to quit